Get Yourself Back in the Groove

SEMINYAK ~ It’s a funny thing to spend your life searching for a profound answer and then discover it in just two words. Although in life, the deeper answers to experiences often are something simple like love or respect.

Janice came to me because her relationships followed the same pattern of disappointment – as soon as she opened to great things, it would crash around her ears.

Janice’s ideas of what makes a man attractive were physical – nice smile, handsome, slim – yet nothing about his character. I asked her to tell me something about “attractive men.” She blurted out:  “Attractive men know that they are good-looking, so they can do anything they like.” This she had learned from her mother.

Oh dear. Janice gives attractive men all the power (“An attractive man can do anything he likes.”) She’s powerful with her male friends, but under the thumb of her lovers.

As a child, Janice decided, “I must be attractive” (Because I want to be able to do anything I like, just like attractive men can). She also decided, “I must not be attractive” (Because of some negative feedback she got at a different time). The result is she subconsciously believed two conflicting things – “I must be attractive; I must not be attractive.” The result: “Therefore… I must be nothing. And if I’m nothing, I may not exist.” The beliefs cancel each other out to – nothing.

And as Janice literally valued herself as nothing, she had no power to fight back with. No wonder men were wiping the floor with her. She had wiped herself out.

Any conflicting beliefs like this (I must be this, and I must be not this), however they arose, and whatever the topic, creates the resulting belief “I must be nothing, so therefore I may not exist.”  If you have problems with low self-esteem, or power in relationships, clear this belief using the process below.

Janice also subconsciously believed that sex was “not nice” – improper or wrong. She gained this impression as a child.

Because beliefs operate logically (even though the premise may seem utterly illogical), the opposite was also true for Janice  – that “nice” equals “no sex” – in other words, that a nice relationship does not include sex. Which is why she was not interested in “nice” men; she thought she could only have non-sexual relationships with them. Janice was programmed for any sexual relationship to be “not nice” in some way, and for any nice relationships to be non-sexual.

From childhood, she feared “sex must be painful,” so her sexual relationships usually included hurt, though of an emotional kind.

We changed the beliefs “sex must be not nice” and “sex must include hurt” to overcome this. Beliefs work like mathematical equations where, when you change a positive on one side, it becomes negative on the other side.

I asked Janice to write down how attractive men behave: “arrogant, conceited, because they know they are good-looking.  Selfish, uncaring, cruel, mean. Unfaithful.”  Janice was shocked to see how this exactly matched her partners: “It’s like all of them!” she exclaimed. I explained that that was what she had expected, so the universe helpfully provided it, and she groaned and covered her eyes, then laughed. (An important distinction: “attractive men” elicited a totally different set of beliefs than Janice’s ideas about just “men.”)

I asked: “How would an attractive person behave to get you to like them?” She wrote: “Ignore you. Pretend they wanted to see you, then not turn up. Cut you off. Be late. Act like they don’t care.”  “That’s exactly how they behave!’ she cried.

“And probably how you do, sometimes, without realizing it?” I asked.

She nodded.

“What attracts you to a man?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Just – that he likes me. I’m so glad when someone likes me, I don’t really think about it.”

Poor Janice was not armed with any selection criteria at all, apart from gratitude at someone’s interest.

I asked her to write a new “how attractive men behave” description based on what she had just realized, and she wrote: “Nice. Polite. Kind. Thoughtful. Arrives on time. Looks nice and carefully turned out. Sensitive.”

What an improvement.

“How do attractive women behave?” I asked.

She wrote, “Graceful. Slightly aloof, especially towards men. They wait to get to know someone and are careful not to give too much too soon. They are beautiful, cherished and loved.”

We both cheered.

Discussing deeper, we uncovered the couple of words at the very root of Janice’s problem, a belief that “I am uncomfortable and incomplete.” This had underlain all her relationships, even her whole life, and was driving her mad in her present relationship.

In her other relationships, the person was partly present, not interested, not available – this was the “incomplete” belief that projected onto everything, leaving things messy, unsatisfying and unfinished. The discomfort was expressed in many ways – from uncertainty to embarrassment to pain and hurt.

We cleared the belief “I am uncomfortable and incomplete” and she felt a surge of relief. “I’ve been unshackled,” she said, beaming. “I am comfortable and complete.”

How to Clear a Negative Belief

To release a negative subconscious belief, feel your feet on the ground, then say the following out loud: I choose to believe… I am uncomfortable and incomplete. I love myself when I believe… I am uncomfortable and incomplete. And I embrace it; I surrender. Drink water, take rest.

Meditation – Listening to the Inner Child

Relax, breathe and find yourself sitting in front of a roaring fire with a child. You are roasting chestnuts, and as you peel the blackened papery skins and throw them in the fire, the child is telling you what they want. Listen, in great detail, as you and the child eat chestnuts and you throw the skins. An old person is nearby, smiling and listening. A woman comes in with food, and you all eat.  The child is still talking and you have all the time you need to listen. When the child has finished, you turn and repeat everything back as the child listens, nodding. You ask is it complete? Do you feel comfortable? They nod and smile. Now give them a big hug and describe how you will give them everything.

When ready, gently return to the room with the treasure you have discovered.

(Names and details mentioned have been changed to protect identities). Susie Hand receives a CD for some suggestions that helped with this article.

NEXT ISSUE: Welcome in the New (You)

Jelila is an internationally renowned transformational coach and wellness guide who practices in Asia and Australia. She is now in Bali, offering coaching and workshops. If you have a question you would like answered in this column, please write to Jelila at Bali Tel: +62 (0) 361 766259; +62 (0) 81 239 43354. Singapore: +65 6225 4381;

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