Independent Relationships

SINGAPORE:  If you feel that you are not getting what you want from your partner, or struggle with independence/dependence/co-dependence, then this is for you.

Case Study – Responsibility

Peter came to me about his relationship with Dewi.  Peter was very happy with his partner, a younger Indonesian, but was concerned about what his family might think back in Germany.  I explained that concerns about what others might think was his own judgement, of himself.  He just needed to embrace that his relationship was ok.  He was planning to move back to Germany with Dewi, who would have to go through an onerous visa application test in order to qualify.  It felt like Peter was trying to justify his relationship, even, squash it into ‘normal’ boundaries, by taking it back to his home country.  I suggested he allow it to be as it is.

Peter was concerned with helping Dewi to advance and improve, and have a better chance in life.  I suggested he allow Dewi to be who she is without trying to change her.  It was Peter’s own feeling of ‘not being good enough’ that was leading him to try to improve Dewi.  I guided Peter to embrace that belief and he felt relieved.

Relationships between ‘unequal’ partners are interesting and can be challenging.  Often one partner has more wealth, whereas the other partner has more youth and beauty.  Who’s in charge?  Who owns whom?  Or does anybody own anybody?

The underlying fear is ‘I’m afraid they only want me for my money.’  Interestingly, as with all fears, we first believe them about ourselves, then project them out onto everything else.  So this one comes down to ‘I’m afraid I only want me for my money.’  This means we only value ourselves for ‘our money’ which in spiritual terms means the things we have learned.  The conscious awareness gained.  And our physical wealth.  If we only want ourselves for what we are able to attain (in knowledge or cash) then we are not wanting or valuing ourselves just for being who we are.  Then we project this onto others as the fear ‘he only wants me for my money’.  This is a powerful belief that prevents us from loving ourselves, and others, unconditionally.  If unconditional love is a concern for you, embrace and acknowledge this belief to overcome it.

Case Study – Freedom From Father

My client Nancy, whom I mentioned last week, is from a Chinese family where the tradition is to follow what the father wants.  Nancy’s father had followed what his father wanted (which was not what he wanted himself). Nancy felt compelled to do the same, following what her father wanted (though this was not what she wanted) and so on.  A long line of people living their lives not doing what they really want!  This was part of Nancy’s culture – notice the word ‘cult’ in cult-ure.  A clan mentality.  To release Nancy from this pattern, I guided her to embrace the following negative beliefs:

I may not, must not be responsible for myself
I may not own myself
I must always do what my father wants, no matter what

Belief Changing Process

To embrace a negative belief, simply say the following aloud (the belief is shown in quotes).  Only embrace negative beliefs – if you embrace positive ones, you are turning them off.  Embracing a negative belief brings it from the subconscious mind to the conscious, which releases it permanently.

I choose to believe ‘I may not own myself’
I love myself when I believe ‘I may not own myself’
And I embrace it, I surrender.

Drink water, relax after.

Relationships are often based on an unwritten contract.  We review the other person’s wealth, charms and abilities, and match them to our own, shopping around to find someone who fills gaps were we are depleted and offers capability that we lack.  Is this is a good idea?  Would it be better instead to fill our own needs and gaps, so that we are not leaning on the other person for support?  So that we can enjoy what the other person offers, yet without depending on them?

An independent relationship is one where, if one person goes away, the other remains standing, and doesn’t fall over for lack of the other’s support.

If you don’t have a partner, imagine your ‘inner or ideal lover’ in these meditations.

Meditation – Sharing The Cake

Relax, breathe, and find yourself in a green forest clearing.  Your partner approaches, smiling, and you hold hands.  You are guided to a grassy altar table and sit, resting your hands on the table.  You have all the time you need to just enjoy being with each other, to connect, and to communicate. A cake is brought for you to enjoy.  Notice its decoration and enjoy eating, talking, playing, and sharing together.  When ready, gently return to the room.

Reflect on what you learned.  (When I did this for a client recently, the cake was decorated with red icing denoting ‘mine’, ‘yours’ and ‘ours’!)

The idea that anyone else is limiting us is always an illusion.  The only person who can limit us is ourselves.  If we allow another person to limit us, that is our choice, usually out of fear.  Often we limit ourselves using a relationship because we are deeply afraid to move towards achieving our dream – our life’s work or purpose.

When we say ‘I can’t live without him (or her)’ we are really saying that we feel we cannot survive on our own.  This isn’t really about the relationship, more, about a deep survival issue.  Deal with the survival issue and then you will be able to enjoy free, equal relationships.  When your partner knows that you depend on them for your very life, it puts far too much pressure on them, and also gives them far too much power over you.  Which, unless they have Sir Launcelot’s purity of heart, they may use against you, causing you to be the run around in the relationship.  Which is no fun for you, and is unhealthy for them.


I must depend on him/her, I’m afraid I must depend on him/her (or not)
I must/may not be good enough for him/her
My happiness must depend on him/her
I’m afraid I’m not enough on my own
I feel uncomfortable and incomplete
I must be/may be oppressed
I’m afraid of losing control
I’m afraid of losing him/her (I’m afraid of losing myself)
I’m afraid I can’t survive on my own
I must have to do what he/she/my father/my mother wants in order to survive
I’m afraid to do what I came here to do
I’m afraid I don’t know how to do what I came here to do, or don’t want to do it

Meditation – Power In Relationship

Relax, breathe, and imagine you are sitting up in bed reading a book.  Your partner walks in and asks you a question.  You look up from your book and respond ‘no, darling…’  ‘because…’  Your partner continues asking questions, and you respond to each one with ‘no darling’ and give the reason why not.  When ready, gently return to the room.

Notice how you felt.  Was it easy to say ‘no darling?’ How did your partner respond?  What did you discover?  Repeat the meditation with ‘yes, darling’ if you wish, and see how you feel and what happens.

Leaving A Relationship

Sometimes we have difficulty participating fully in a new relationship because we haven’t finished with old ones.  If you are divorced or separated, you may have trouble separating from the idea of a ‘perfect family unit’ that you strove to create with your previous partner.  To achieve clarity on how you actually feel about your ex, simply imagine that any children you had together are out of the picture, as if you never had them.  Now look at your relationship with your ex.  How do you feel about them?  Do you run to them?  Or run away?  This should help you to see how you truly feel about them, and let them go.  If your ex feels you clinging, this is tormenting for them, especially if they want you back.  So let go, and let everyone move on to the new partner they deserve.

Meditation – Freeing The Relationships Within

Relax, breathe, and find yourself in a comfortable place. Imagine a man, a woman, a child, and a wise person coming to meet you.  Sit together, hold hands and release a belief, saying it aloud to each other, together, as follows: ‘I choose to believe I’m responsible for you.  I love myself when I believe I’m responsible for you.  And I embrace it, I surrender.’

Breathe and gently return.  Notice especially how the child feels and give whatever is necessary.

(You may enjoy my sung meditation for freedom in relationships ‘The Gift’ on CD, during reflexology or shiatsu at Cozy in Kuta.)

(Names & details mentioned have been changed to protect identities).

NEXT ISSUE:  Hitting The Jackpot

Jelila is an internationally renowned healer, hypnotherapist and transformational guide who practises in Asia and Australia.  Now in Bali offering inspiring transformational coaching, healing, and workshops.  Try/buy Jelila’s healing music at Cozy: Jln. Sunset Blok A/3, North Simpang Siur, near Kuta roundabout tel: 0361 766762).  If you have a question you would like answered in this column, please write to Jelila at   Bali Tel:  +62 (0) 81 239 43354

Words & Images © Jelila (Angela Torrington) 2006,
All rights reserved.

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