Living Without ‘Paying For It’

By Jelila
The Bali Times

SEMINYAK ~ If you find things too expensive, or emotionally costly, you may have a deep subconscious belief about life that is harming your cashflow and happiness. Find out what it is, and how to change it, here.

Case Study

Tom came to me for a transformational healing session, traumatized by a dramatic accident that occurred on the very day of his daughter’s wedding one year previously. His friend had died in a car crash, and he had to deal with the aftermath, identify his friend, miss the party, and break the news to his daughter, on what should have been her perfect day.

I helped Tom to acknowledge and surrender to feelings of shock and horror that he was still carrying, which immediately made him feel relieved and comfortable, so he could relax. Then we explored the beliefs underlying the experience of tragedy on such a happy day.

“It was so horrific that I feel I will not have to have any bad experiences now for at least the next three lifetimes,” he exclaimed. “I’ve got it all over with.” This seemed a strange comment, and I reflected “you mean, you have ‘paid in advance’ for your good fortune?”  He looked bemused, and I explained: “Then you must believe that you must have to pay for your happiness.” He nodded. “Yes, I suppose I do.”

Tom believed that every good experience must be paid for by a bad experience. It is very common to believe this. To believe that “what comes up, must go down,” that it’s not possible to have an ongoing run of good luck without having to “pay for it.”

Maybe you believe this, too? Have you experienced calamity right after a very happy experience? Are you ever heard to say “no pain no gain?”, “it has to hurt to work,” “happiness doesn’t come for free,” “life isn’t easy” or “live now, pay later?” If you answered yes to any of these, you may be unwittingly suffering from this subconscious belief, which can affect your cashflow, and shadow your happiness.

In actual fact, the belief creates the reality. If you believe that happiness is free, you will be able to enjoy it without needing to “pay” – in suffering, sacrifice, hardship or tragedy – or in actual money (Tom had to cover a lot of additional expenses due to the accident as well as “pay” emotionally).

It turned out that Tom also believed “I must have to pay for my child’s happiness.” With negative beliefs, the reverse is also always true: “My child must have to pay for my happiness.” (“Child” in subconscious mind terms also means “any project or creation.) Do you end up paying for your creations? “Paying” means losing out, emotionally, physically, or in cash, or in the energy you expend. Reflect on any areas which are “costing you.” If affected, you may clear the beliefs given below. These are powerful and helpful ones to change.

Why We Sabotage Our Happiness

Believing that “I must have to pay for my happiness” also creates a deep fear of happiness itself. Fearing that one “must have to pay for this happiness later,” and not knowing by how much, can cause one to reject one’s own happiness to avoid the anticipated “cost.” For example, by sabotaging a love relationship that feels really wonderful, or destroying a fabulous job opportunity.

Inherent in this is also the idea that “big happiness” must equal “big payment” and so powerfully happy experiences feel very dangerous indeed.

Belief Change

To free yourself from this damaging belief, feel grounded, breathe deeply, then say out loud:

I choose to believe “I must/may have to pay for my happiness”

I love myself when I believe “I must/may have to pay for my happiness”

And I embrace it, and I surrender.

Rest afterwards, drink water.

Paying to Be Here

Underlying this idea of “paying for happiness,” is a deeper belief: “I must have to pay to be here.” This idea means that we feel that our very existence has to be paid for. This may well lead us to feel “life is too expensive” – and given that the “expense” may be emotional as well as cash-based, this belief can create a great deal of suffering.

Other Beliefs

I must have to pay to be here

I must have to pay for love

I must have to pay for my freedom

I must have to pay for sex

(…and there are lots more! For the next week, I invite you to reflect on how you “pay for things” – emotionally, through energy, suffering, and cash – in all areas: love, work, children, friendships, and see what you discover.)

Here’s a meditation to heal ideas about “paying.” Simply relax and imagine the scene, visually or through hearing or feeling it. Or ask a friend to read it to you.

‘Paid to Be Here’ Meditation

Relax, breathe and find yourself in a dark, dark place. All you hear is your own breathing, and a muffled heartbeat, and you wonder where you are. It feels soft, warm. You are in liquid, yet you can breathe easily. Relax and breathe in this place for as long as you wish to. Notice how you feel. Suddenly all around you, you see paper money and gold coins, dropping slowly through the liquid, which is being illuminated by the golden currency bubbling as it pours down. Watch the money surrounding you and being delivered to you for as long as you wish, through the liquid, which is being illuminated by golden light, and when ready, gently return to the room.

What did you experience? Reflect on it a moment, and write down any thoughts and feelings that pop into your mind.

Next issue: Soul Mates

Jelila is an international spiritual teacher & healer, practicing in Asia and Australia. Now offering powerful sessions and workshops in Kuta and Seminyak, Bali. Tel: +62 (0) 81 239 43354.

If you have a question you would like answered in this column, please write to Jelila at

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