By Mark Ulyseas
For The Bali Times

UBUD ~ Somewhere in Bali, nestling in the cracks and crevices of society, are the karma mechanics, aspiring avatars of the likes of Osho, Maharishi Yogi and their kind. They carry the weight of mankind’s troubles on their shoulders. And this is odd, because no one has asked them to do so. Nor, in my opinion, are they qualified in even the remotest sense of the word.
The karma mechanics are people lost in a brave new world, clutching at straws in the wind. The straws being the bits and pieces of eastern religious instruction they have collected on their brief journey from sideshows in their own countries to the daunting Asian diasporas that have art, culture and religion compressed over the ages into layers like sedimentary rock formations.
They are akin to the untrained motor mechanics that miraculously appear on an Indian road when a car breaks down. Knowledge of the workings of the engine is irrelevant. Fiddling till the engine regains life is all that is needed. Money changes hands and everyone is happy. Life goes on oblivious to the density of the mental capacity that has just been displayed.
I have had the honor of meeting a few of these karma mechanics, who can fix anything from a leaking aura to the more complex problem of the “realignment” of someone’s spiritual engine that has been derailed and needs to get back onto the magnetic lines of the Universe.
Many of us may recall that inspiring book by Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - the travels of a motorcyclist and the philosophical discussions that transpired along the way. The karma mechanics have not read this book and when confronted with the reality of their lack of knowledge, they respond by calling it a cult book and therefore not worthy of any mention.
And when I spoke recently to Joe, a mechanic, of Carlos Castaneda, the silence hung heavy in the air and the only sound that could be heard was one of ignorance. Fortunately for him it was broken by an elderly expat from New York who winked at me and whispered in my ear “magic mushrooms.”
We shall not delve into the Yaqui way of life. Not now, for we still need to cruise through the world of the mechanics to understand the tools of their trade.
Joe told me that the tools he uses are tarot cards, “mind readings,” silent sittings, synchronizing one’s chakras with the help of yoga and, more importantly, teaching one the ways of the Buddha. Apparently Buddha is in fashion, not Cat Stevens, who converted to Islam. Often one encounters mechanics massaging drinks at restaurants, some aptly called Buddha something or other, loudly beginning a sentence with “The Buddha says…” while sinking their teeth into a rack of succulent ribs.
But don’t let these visual impressions dissuade you from using their services. I have it from reliable sources that Joe has fixed the leaking aura of a friend of mine. It so happened that she heard it dripping in the night like droplets of water hitting the base of an empty bucket. Not a good sound when one is lost to the world. And how he did this, no one is saying.
And then another buddy of mine, Dave, told me that he had been guilty of many past sins before he arrived on the isle. After he met Joe, the bad karma he had carried with him in his holdall had been dispensed with through a series of give and take. He gave money to Joe and Joe took it, besides, of course, counseling him to commit good acts in the present continuous.
Herman Kuhn, quoting from Tattvarthasutra, describes karma as a mechanism that makes us thoroughly experience the themes of our life until we gain optimal knowledge from them and until our emotional attachment to these themes falls off.
Now where is Joe when I need him to explain Kuhn’s observations? Last I heard he was on a visa run.
There are other mechanics, some who have gained much respectability through a pragmatic approach to karma problem-solving. Janice is a fine lady from a European country who has settled comfortably in Bali and provides “karmic advice” to lost souls who approach her out of guilt – the result of their unseemly past. She has given them crystals to wear, specially blessed stones and advice on the specific colors of clothes to don for designated days of the week, the Full Moon and some other phases of it being an exception.
She is a one-woman service station that appears to be consistently effective in the overhauling of rundown spiritual engines of weary travellers. Word on the street has it that she offers a money-back guarantee for unsatisfied customers. This is good business practice; however, what if one returned as a dog in another life - how would one collect the refund?
Karma mechanics have mastered the art of trivial pursuit through acts that obfuscate the real issues at hand. They fiddle with the soul engines of hapless people who arrive at their doorstep seeking reconciliation with the Universe for a misspent life. But as we all know, everything is relative and so is our religious make-up. For example, if one is a Hindu, Sikh, Buddhist or Jain, the Law of Karma will apply.
But in the case of a Christian, what does one do? Does the Law of Karma apply to him or her? Didn’t Christ die on the cross for the sins committed by humanity? And what about Heaven and Hell? Where do these two fit in, in the grand scheme of the Universe?
And there are those among us who have still to study the Koran to know what is said about all this in the world of Islam.
The truth is plain to see. The karma mechanics are not really trained mechanics in every sense of the word. They are, like many of us, lost in a contradictory world that defies definition.
So next time you need a tune-up of your aura or realignment of your wheels of fortune, walk into the friendly neighborhood karma mechanic’s workshop, but ensure that the money-back guarantee is cashable in this lifetime.

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti Om

By Paulo Coelho
For The Bali Times

I asked some friends to make a list of things that so-called “normal” people have to observe very closely. Here I end this inventory of absurd things:
25] In any kind of public transport, never looking straight into the eyes of the other passengers, as this may be taken for attempting to seduce them.
26] When you enter an elevator, looking straight at the door and pretending you are the only person inside, however crowded it may be.
27] Never laughing out loud in a restaurant, no matter how funny the story is.
28] In the Northern hemisphere, always wearing the clothes that match the season of the year: short sleeves in springtime (however cold it may be) and a woolen jacket in the fall (no matter how warm it is).
29] In the Southern hemisphere, decorating the Christmas tree with cotton wool, even though winter has nothing to do with the birth of Christ.
30] As you grow older, thinking you are the wisest man in the world, even though not always do you have enough life experience to know what is wrong.
31] Going to a charity event and thinking that in this way you have collaborated enough to put an end to all the social inequalities in the world.
32] Eating three times a day, even if you’re not hungry.
33] Believing that the others are always better at everything: they are better-looking, more resourceful, richer and more intelligent. Since it’s very risky to venture beyond your own limits, it’s better to do nothing.
34] Using the car as a way to feel powerful and in control of the world.
35] Using foul language in traffic.
36] Thinking that everything your child does wrong is the fault of the company he or she is keeping.
37] Marrying the first person who offers you a position in society. Love can wait.
38] Always saying “I tried,” even though you haven’t tried at all.
39] Putting off doing the most interesting things in life until you no longer have the strength to do them.
40] Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.
41] Believing that it is possible to be sure of everything you have won.
42] Thinking that women don’t like football and that men don’t like interior decoration.
43] Blaming the government for everything bad that happens.
44] Being convinced that being a good, decent and respectful person means that the others will find you weak, vulnerable and easy to manipulate.
45] Being convinced that aggressiveness and discourtesy in treating others are signs of a powerful personality.
46] Being afraid of fibroscopy (men) and childbirth (women).
47] And finally, thinking that your religion is the sole proprietor of the absolute truth, the most important, the best, and that the other human beings in this immense planet who believe in any other manifestation of God are condemned to the fires of hell.

© Translated by James Mulholland

www.paulocoelhoblog.com

By Amy Chavez
For The Bali Times

One of the things that amazes tourists when they arrive for the first time in Bali is how many languages many of the locals can speak. Not only do they know their native language; they also speak Indonesian, English and many times Spanish, German or Japanese. Indonesians are handy with languages and not afraid to learn yet another.
The motivation for learning foreign languages is perhaps that they are advantageous to doing business. The more people you can communicate with, the more tattoos, massages, guided tours, or toe rings you can sell.
Some people are better at this than others, however. Take Bakkah Stone, a store on the Ngurah Rai Bypass (also spelled Bakah Stone on their business card). As “Bakah” in Japanese means stupid, I don’t think many Japanese would care to buy stupid stone. In addition, although Mal Galeria is Indonesian for Galleria Mall, I doubt many Spanish people would want to go to a “bad gallery” of any sort.
Ah, the beautiful clash of languages!
Indeed, foreign languages are not exactly easy to learn. Which is why there are grammar books, conversation books, bilingual dictionaries, language-learning CDs, videos and even private teachers and language schools to help.
But as an ex-university English teacher with an MA in teaching English as a second language, I can tell you with some authority that English isn’t nearly as hard to learn as teachers and schools make it out to be. As a matter of fact, there are only a few simple rules to follow and the rest will come quite easily, just like learning to drive.
I’ll let you in on a few secrets. Allow me to share with you an excerpt from my unpublished book, Learning English: a manual.
Most people are lost when the English teacher starts introducing English sentence structure and the function of things like “direct objects” and “independent clauses.” I’ve whittled down these complex explanations into smaller, easier-to-digest bites of information.

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A.A. Bagus Sudarma is an art teacher in Junior High School 2 in Mengwi, Tabanan, a ngaben wadah (coffin) maker and a dancer, and lives in Mengwi, Badung Regency. The 48-year-old father of one son and a daughter shared his day with The Bali Times
“My father and grandfather were also wadah makers and the skill was passed down to me. I hope my son will be a wadah maker, too.”

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