N. Korea Planning Lunar Shift: Source


Space Cadet: North Korea’s Kim Jong-il, yesterday.

PYONGYANG/LEGIAN ~ North Korea’s internationally condemned missile test-firing earlier this month was a distractionary guise to shield the secretive state’s ultimate ambition, a permanent colony on Earth’s moon, a source involved in the operation told The Bali Times.

“It’s kinda like they’re fed up with the argy-bargy here and want to move elsewhere, our moon being the nearest alternative,” a scientist speaking from a remote mountain area of the poverty-wracked nation said, requesting anonymity because he feared being fired by reclusive leader Kim Jong-il.

The scientist – whom The Bali Times has managed to identify as Ketut il-Malley, a North Korean of Balinese lineage – said the mammoth lunar endeavor was at an “advanced stage” of planning and that every citizen of North Korea – population 22.6 million – was being given a standard-issue spacesuit in preparation for their decampment.

North Koreans were being urged to attend nationwide seminars on how to wear their new suits, as well as what kind of conditions to expect in their new, near-weightless environment, including how to capture their rations of flying rice with chopsticks, he said.

“So far most of the questions at the training sessions have been about toilet facilities,” said il-Malley, whose 38-year-old grandfather lives in the vacation town of Lovina on the northern coast of Bali.

Bubble-like structures decorated with vast murals to replicate the gray-concrete “monumentalist” style of North Korean architecture and powered by giant solar arrays that also generate oxygen would temporarily house the entire former North Korean population on Earth’s satellite, while strategists worked out a more long-term solution to moon accommodation.

To make their new lives as similar as possible to what they had up to now experienced, the newly minted astronauts would have lightweight magnets attached to their footwear and would walk on sheets of iron.

“We do expect some floataways, however,” said il-Malley, referring to the likelihood of an unanchored North Korean spiraling into the cosmos.

“We have rocket-propelled life-rings, but they’re untested,” he said.

Ailing President Kim, 68, would likely gain substantial health benefits from the near-zero-gravity environment, which was thought to contain anti-aging properties that could extend life beyond what was normal on Earth, said the scientist.

North Korea’s expulsion last week of UN nuclear inspectors after it backed away yet again from six-party talks to try end its nuclear ambitions is seen as step towards a “seismic undertaking” by the country, Pentagon spokesman Met Tinder told a media briefing on Thursday.

It is understood Pyongyang’s entire nuclear arsenal would also be making the short trip to the moon, aboard 23 outsized versions of NASA’s shuttle craft, from where they would be fired at the Earth.

“That’s the plan anyway,” said il-Malley. “We’ll see what happens.”


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