Dispatched. May 15-21, 2009


Store Clerk in Foreigner-Query Fumble

KUTA ~ A male clerk at the newly opened Giant supermarket here was thrown into disarray on Monday when a foreign customer made a request for a mousetrap, another customer overheard.

“Err, uuhhhh… eeee,” the clerk said, and sought language and other comprehension assistance from a nearby female colleague, who was also unable to assist, the observing customer reported.

After being informed that the store did not carry mousetraps, the enquiring customer left, having been advised to “try Carrefour,” the French hypermarket on Jl. Sunset Road.

Approaching the male clerk, the observing customer said he enquired what the foreigner had wanted, although he already knew but was feigning ignorance, and was informed.

“He wanted Lem Tikus,” the customer told the clerk, referring to the local-brand and widely available rat glue that comes on a board that opens like a book and is highly effective at snaring meandering rodents (pictured).

“Oh!” said the clerk, the customer said, as the employee pointed to an artistically displayed shipment of the popular product and the “pair of them had a right laugh about it.”

Policeman Bribery Trial Adjourned for Unclear Reason

DENPASAR ~ The trial of alleged tourist-bribing policeman Kadek Mungku was adjourned on Wednesday for an unclear reason, a court clerk said.

Defence lawyer Jambal Boyo had been due to present his case to the Denpasar District Court but the trial’s second session was “unexpectedly deferred,” clerk I Putu Proggy told reporters.

Mungku is accused of paying French tourist Simone de Bouvier Rp50,000 to pull over her motorbike during a routine traffic inspection in what the prosecution has said was a “problem of self-confidence.”

It is understood, however, that presiding judge Huberto Peco was attending a late-evening session at a Denpasar karaoke bar on Tuesday that ran into the early hours and was not in a fit enough state to turn up to work the following morning.

“He was feeling decidedly unwell when I spoke to him this morning,” Boyo said, adding that he expected the trial to resume on Wednesday next week.

It remains unclear, meanwhile, what penalties if any could be meted out to the allegedly errant policeman, as there are no current applicable laws.

‘Headless Chicken’ Tourists Spotted Wandering Around

KUTA ~ A number of “headless chicken” Bali tourists have been spotted wearing facial surgical masks in an attempt to thwart the deadly swine flu contagion that does not exist here, a doctor said on Tuesday.

“It is likely they will suffer severe adverse reactions to wearing the synthetic material for such a long time. I mean, they’re meant for our profession, but nowadays everyone wants to wear them. Anyway, it’s highly probable that the masks’ fibres will, when damp from continued exposure to warm and moist breath, become loose and be sucked into the bronchial lobes of the lungs, thereby causing asphyxiation,” Dr. Warna Lott said.


Stricken: Ubud expatriate and wine flu sufferer I Made O’Malley displays the characteristic “rabbit in headlights” symptoms of the incapacitating condition, yesterday.

Wine Flu Outbreak Reportedly Hits Ubud

UBUD ~ Bali’s New Age heartland Ubud was hit by an outbreak of wine flu this week, with at least 98.3 percent of the resident expatriate population succumbing to the paralyzing condition, it was reported.

“It is serious. There is no work being done at all,” one local resident, who has managed to escape infection, told The Bali Times.

In a press conference organised by an emergency collaboration of local doctors in the bohemian town, medics said it was not yet known how the emerging new ailment was contracted. But suspicions were turning to arduous nighttime activities that may depress the immune system.

“Our suspicions are turning to arduous nighttime activities that may depress the immune system,” said Dr. Infir Matory.

“Our hospitals and clinics are overflowing with infected expats,” he said.

There is no known vaccine or cure for wine flu, which may or may not be vetored by kangaroos, doctors said.

Indicating-Right Car Turns Left: Police

LOVINA ~ A car that was indicating right early on Thursday afternoon turned left, police said.

There were no injuries in the incident, which occurred on Lovina’s main tourist strip.

Got a scoop? Send to editor@thebalitimes.com. A free set of glass eyes for the first three correspondents!

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