The Art of Kissing

By David Leonhardt

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges levelled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport on earth?

Some say “football.” Some say “baseball.” Canadians say “hockey.” The rest of the world says “soccer.” (Actually, they say “football,” too… but they mean “soccer.”)

I say: “kissing.” Yes, kissing is the greatest sport on earth. Allow me to explain just a few of the reasons.

Kissing is the most versatile sport around. There are so many types of kisses to choose from – at least one for just about any occasion. There is the quick peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your nephew’s cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the wildly passionate kiss, the elegant kiss on the hand, the dreaded kiss of death, the “Hey you! Kiss this!” and even the Florida town of Kissimmee (founded, no doubt, by early Italian pioneer kissers).

Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn’t matter where you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires so little equipment, which means you can do it even when not prepared for the occasion, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travellers and marsupial groupies.

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in an oh-so-booooring meeting that seems to last oh-so-foreeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. Go ahead; try it. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most earth-bound countries. Rumours are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic…unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you do not use your mouth.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because dieters now have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they a) need to diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the headline: Kissing Prevents Diabetes.)

Kissing is organic, low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.

Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure?

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don’t try kissing them all at the same time, though…especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for an AAA tow truck fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France).

The only recorded deaths involving kissing are by third parties, usually wives, husbands, spurned lovers and other spectators who somehow get past security and storm onto the playing field like that well-dressed gentleman at the Superbowl.

We do NOT recommend “extreme kissing.” For instance, don’t kiss an on-duty garbage truck; it is considered dangerous. Don’t kiss a metal fence-post in sub-zero weather: readers in northern climates know exactly what I mean. Don’t kiss any electrical outlets.

Are you paying attention? This one is important. Don’t kiss the vacuum cleaner if you want to retain all your vital organs. It’s OK to kiss sandpaper; just don’t use your tongue. Don’t kiss a chainsaw; we feel this one is self-explanatory. And don’t kiss your office manager while on duty… unless you happen to be a work-from-home hermit like me.

But overall, kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time you hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.

David Leonhardt’s site is: www.TheHappyGuy.com

Filed under: Arts & Entertainment

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