A Schalpp in the Face

By Novar Caine

I got this little note the other day and I thought I should share it. Here it is:

Hello. My name is Schalppers, and I’d like to tell you My Story.

A while ago I was feeling blue and thought the only thing that would cheer me up, apart from my usual manicure and facial and hair-redo, would be a holiday to foreign terrain.

Oh, I don’t know. Somewhere far away but not too far. And something to bring along to make my spirits soar.

Don’t get me wrong: I’ve always been one for faraway places. I mean, there’s Japan, of course, home to a certain ex, but they’re so dopey. They wouldn’t even allow poor Paris in because of her high-jinks past. I mean, what is a girl to do?

Anyway. There was a sale on to Bali, and as I was packing I discovered that the thoughtful manufacturers of my boogieboard bag had made it too big for the board. Free space!

So what did I do. I stuffed as much goodtime stuff in there as would fill up the extra space and keep me on cloud nine on that tiny tropical isle.

Little did I know it would soon start raining when the sun should be shining.

I love flying high. Didn’t you know? The good times run in the family. So I felt as though I was coming down as we were landing in Bali – I’ve always been something of a turkey – and then, before you could say abracadabra – poof! – I was carted away and chucked into a cell.

Well, the indignity.

I used to watch Prisoner Cell Block H, and now it’s like Prisoner Cell Block Hello!

I said to the guard, I said: “Oi, I’m off to the beach.” And he said, “Shut up, be-atch.”

I told the judges I wasn’t guilty but, alas, they weren’t wilty.

So I’ve decided I’m mad. I mean, I’ve always been nuts. And if it gets me off, it’ll certainly be a plus.

Love always and forever and ever and ever. And ever.

Yours faithfully


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