Moby Sick

Call me Ishmael. Call me captain. But don’t call me seasick. That’s more than I could say for most of the 80 people – including my wife, Sue – who recently went out on a boat to watch whales but instead, in a stunning display of mass disgorgement that even Herman Melville couldn’t have imagined, […]

Home Garden Is a Tough Row to Hoe

Jerry, Jerry, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? Not too badly considering I am more of a vegetable than anything I’ve planted this year. Actually, the little patch of earth on the side of the house is the first garden I have ever had. My wife, Sue, who has a green thumb (she really […]

Live and Let’s Dye

Because I have more grey matter on the outside of my head than I do on the inside, I am often asked why I don’t dye my hair. “I do,” I always respond. “I dye it grey so I’ll seem more mature.” To which people say, “It’s not working.” So when my barber, Maria Vieira, […]

Rolling in Dough Is Not a Pizza Cake

When the moon hits the sky like a big pizza pie, that’s a mess. Or it would have been if I had tried to make my own pizza without the help of a pair of professionals who recently had me rolling in dough while creating a thin-crust pie that was, considering the lunar analogy, out […]

Stuck in Some Bad Car-ma

If my wife and I wanted to have an impact on the people around us, we would teach a crash course in driver’s education. That’s because we have been in three crashes caused by people who had an impact on us. The first mishap occurred about a year and a half ago, when some idiot […]

Beating Around the Butterfly Bush

In Duck Soup, the Marx Brothers’ 1933 war satire, Groucho is reading an important document when he says to Zeppo, “A 4-year-old child could understand this.” Zeppo nods in agreement, at which point Groucho adds, “Run out and find me a 4-year-old child. I can’t make head or tail out of it.” That’s the way […]

He’s Interested in a Different Kind of Foreign Exchange

In these challenging economic times, when a middle-class guy like myself can’t get a federal bailout or an AIG bonus, even though my tax dollars are helping to pay for it all, it’s nice to know that there are some people who are willing to give me lots of money. I refer to those who […]