For The Bali Times
SEMINYAK ~ Sex. Is it a wonderful gift, a chore, a sacred journey, a drunken regret, a sensual feast, or something to fit in between doing the laundry and getting the kids to school? Find out how to create the love life you dream of, here.
To begin, try this fun quiz. Answer the first thing that pops in your head.
1. Sex is to: a) get over with as soon as possible b) languidly enjoy c) fit it in between activities d) not really important
2. I feel sex is: a) exhilarating power and control b) to connect c) fun, playful d) uplifting, transcendent
3. Iâ€™d rather try: a) dress up/domination fantasies b) a romantic bubble bath together c) tease, tickle and laugh together d) opening to each other energetically
4. Sexually, Iâ€™m: a) confident, great in bed b) not really able to connect c) bored d) lacking the meaning I crave
Mostly a)s: suggest you mostly experience sex as physical; b)s are the feminine feeling aspect of sex; c)s indicate you express your playful child; and d)s suggest your higher self is in control.
That was to get you thinking. Find out more in this next bit:
5. a) Rate your sex life now from 0-10, where 0 is unsatisfactory and 10 fantastic:
NowÂ Â DesiredÂ Â Â Rating
Physical experience:Â Â Â _____/_____Â Â Â Â Â Â _____
Emotional Connection:Â Â _____/_____Â Â Â Â Â Â _____
Playfulness/fun:Â Â Â Â Â Â Â _____/_____Â Â Â Â Â Â _____
Meaning/sacredness:Â Â Â Â _____/_____Â Â Â Â Â Â _____
b) Rate your desired sex life (above) from 0-10, where 0 is not happening and 10 is fantastic.
Rating: Subtract desired from now and write in rating slot above.
For example, Margaret scored:
Physical experience:Â Â Â __5___/__8___Â Â Â Â __-3__
Emotional Connection:Â Â __8___/__8___Â Â Â Â __0__
Write your scores below. The highest minus numbers are where you most need to improve, and are also most important to you (as you rated your desired level highly). Positive numbers or zeros are OK areas.
Physical Experience – _____
This is your masculine expression of sex â€“ about the body, physical sensation, sight, touch, taste, smell, sound. A minus here suggests attention to physical aspects such as: diet, exercise, beauty treatments so that you are happy with your body, making sure your partner is available/physically present, exploring sexual techniques and positions, enhancing the environment where you have sex â€“ perhaps with satin sheets, furry pillows, music. Try sex toys or movies, blindfolds, tie-ups, sexy underwear or dress-up, storytelling, fantasy. Be creative!
Emotional Connection – _____
This is the feminine expression of sex – about the mind, feeling, connecting. A minus indicates you need to connect, through feel-good activities â€“ sensual massage with scented oils, feeding each other strawberry chocolates, reading romantic poetry, sharing feelings, reading a dream journal, touching each other with flowers, showing your emotions â€“ expressing love.
Playfulness/Fun – _____
A minus for your playful inner child means you need more fun in sex â€“ play a tickling game with feathers, hide-and-seek with a naughty forfeit, strip poker, pillow fights, stick each other with lollipops or ice-cream, read bawdy jokes â€“ anything silly, playful and fun, but even more fun, with a sexy grown-up angle. (Woody Allen: â€œSex is the most fun you can have without laughing.â€ Well, why not laugh as well?)
If you have a hurt inner child who experiences sex as manipulative or abusive, get professional help to free yourself to enjoy sex.
Meaning/Sacredness – _____
For the higher self, sex is a sacred connection to the Divine. A minus means you may need to explore Tantra, practice yoga to discover how to move energy during sex or try some of hints in this article to open to each other.
Balanced in all areas:
You are pleasing all of the people, all of the time – satisfying your inner masculine, feminine, child, and higher self, creating a truly fulfilling sexual experience. Well done!
Meditation â€“ Sensuality
Relax, breathe, imagine yourself invited to a perfume factory. Sniff glass dippers in bottles, playing with as many aromas as you wish, on your body. A companion arrives â€“ play with scents with them too. Create it the way you want it. Enjoy. When ready, gently return.
How did that feel? What did you realize?
Tantra in a Nutshell
Orgasm is simply a function of energy flow. If you can get your life-force energy (chi or prana) to flow around your body, when it reaches your sex organs it will create orgasm, in continual waves (richer than the more physical, one-off ejaculatory or clitoral orgasm). Hereâ€™s how: relax, breathe and imagine you are pulling/breathing energy in from your G-spot (ladies) or prostate (men), circulate the energy around your body (visualize it). Allow it to flow. Enjoy the feeling. Continue to practice until you reach orgasm. Flow the energy the opposite way (out, rather than in) if you need to. Energy flow is our natural birthright â€“ true Tantra is when we realize our energy flow connects to absolutely everything (rather like the flow of water through the ricefields â€“ it happens easily). Related reading: see David Deida on the internet.
Experience this simple process now to release these deep sexual beliefs for yourself.
Connect with the active, masculine part of yourself and invite it to be present. Invite in the feeling feminine. The playful child. The wise higher self. With all present, say aloud:
I choose to believe â€œI am not free sexually.â€
I love myself when I believe â€œI am not free sexually.â€
And I embrace it, and I surrender.
Take it slowly, rest afterwards, drink water.
Repeat the process for each of these:
I have performance anxiety.
I must have to pay for sex.
It is not safe to have sex.
Iâ€™m afraid of finishing, really finishing, or not.
Iâ€™m here to suffer, not to enjoy myself.
Sex = survival..
Itâ€™s not safe to lose control
Pleasure also = pain, suffering.
Love = angst, suffering, lack.
Next issue: Wonderful You – The Mirror of Life
Jelila practices healing in Bali at Wellbeing Spa, Jl. Laksmana 66B, Seminyak. Tel: +62 (0)361 735573. Music and blog: www.myspace.com/jelilajelilala. If you have a question you would like help with in this column, please write to Jelila at firstname.lastname@example.org.